Depression -Phan-
by kittyxuchiha11
Summary: Phil's been depressed for the last 10 years, nobody can help him. that is until Dan finds out about his best friends feelings. i really suck at summeries. but please read
1. Chapter 1

Phil was sat on his bedroom floor, he had his notebook in his lap and pen entwined inside his fingers. He had been like this for a few hours, not saying anything at all or even moving. Phil didn't even talk to Dan for the day so far, well he usually never did. He was so quiet around Dan, not saying much like he used to. Phil sighed and started to wonder to himself, 'Is Dan worried about me or not even? I mean, I haven't been talking to him and it's just really bugging me how he doesn't say anything about it, hmph.' Phil thought, looking back down at his notebook and scribbling a few more sentences in violently for a couple more minutes.

Dan sighed softly as he placed his laptop down. Phil hadn't talked to him again today. he actually hadn't actually spoken to Dan for a few days now. Dan at first had just ignored this and let his friend have some space. but now, he was worried. he slowly got up and walked to Phil's door. he softly knocked on the door "Phil? can i come in?" he questioned quietly

The raven haired boy sulked at his handwriting for a bit, before a wave of anger and frustration crashed down on him. Phil stood up and tossed his notebook to the floor, papers littering the floor beneath him. "It's not good enough! It's not perfect! I should just give the hell up!" Phil yelled, hitting the wall with his fist forcefully, rage rushing through him. Phil gasped in pain and clutched his hand, taking a few steps back and calming down as he caught his breath, "So, stupid..." He whispered, tears falling from his blue eyes quickly as he looked down at the floor.

Dan heard Phil's shouts, scared of what was going on now. he quickly opened the door to see Phil crying "Phil...what?". he bit his lip then walked over to his friend. wrapping his arms around him.

Phil winced and yelped at the sudden touch, he quickly swatted Dan's arms away from him and took a few small steps to the side. He shook his head and pulled his sleeves down, "D-D-Don't h-hurt m-me." Phil stammered silently, placing his hands over his mouth.

"what?..." he asked, a confused look on his face. "im not going to hurt you Phil" he said softly taking a step towards Phil

'Oh shit...' Phil quickly thought, "Oh, um, s-sorry..." He quietly said, sighing and turning away from Dan, taking his hands off his mouth and tugging his sleeves down, again.

Dan frowned slightly as Phil turned away from him "Phil?...what's the matter?" he asked as he lightly touched his friends arm. hoping this gesture would give Phil some comfort

Phil pulled his arm back, shooting Dan a look for a short second. "N-Nothing, I'm fine." He lied through his teeth, biting his lip quietly.

"Phil" Dan said sternly, turning Phil around so he was looking into his eyes. "tell me, please" he asked giving Phil a look of concern.

Phil broke, "Fine, I've been depressed for ten years so far! Are you happy I said that!? Are you wanting me to repeat it again!? Do you want to call me an emo loser and kick me out?! I bet so, because that's what everybody does." Phil yelled, clutching his sleeves tightly.

"Phil..." Dan whispered. wrapping his arms around Phil again, hoping his friend wouldn't push him away. "why would I ever do that, I love you-" Dan's eyes winded as he realised what he'd just said "I mean...your my best friend..." it hurt to deny it but he knew Phil would freak out if he found out the truth.

'Shit, shit shit shit, he can't find out how skinny I am, he'll flip.' Phil thought, squirming to fight his way out of Dan's arms. ''Let g-g-o, p-please...'' Phil said, completely worried that Dan would find out about him not eating.

"No" he said firmly, hugging him closer. his eyes widened. why was Phil this slim. not even slim, he was just flesh and bones. he looked into Phil's eyes "Phil...what...why are you..." He bit his lip holding back tears. he had been such a terrible friend to let Phil get this bad.

Phil blinked and gave up again, "Let go." Phil said, his voice all serious sounding, really wanting to be let go of and be left alone.

"No..." he said softly closing his eyes tightly "I want to help you, please Phil" he said as tears began to drip down his face.

''How can anybody help if I've been doing so much damage to myself for the past ten years?! How can somebody help me from not starving?! How can somebody help me from slitting my wrists every so often when I'm just, giving up. Oh wait, I've already given up on myself." Phil yelled, pushing Dan away and backing up a bit, standing in his own space.

Dan sobbed loudly as he stared at Phil "I want to try though, god damnit Phil!" he almost screamed as the tears began to pour down his face "I want to help you, you idiot!. I'll do whatever I can, I swear I will. i love you!"

"Show me. Show me how I can stop starving and cutting. Show me how." Phil said, giving Dan a glare almost, but not a rude one.

Dan quickly rushed forward and captured Phil's lips in a gentle kiss. he pulled away slightly, reaching down to Phil's hand and taking it lightly in his own "I'll help you, please, i want to at least try"

''Fine, make a man who is depressed and can't be cured of his suffering and who starves and cuts make him feel all happy like nothing ever happened.'' Phil mumbled under his breath, looking down at the floor as his fringe fell in front of his face.

suddenly the anger hit Dan like a ton of bricks "you know what? fine." he said bluntly pushing Phil slightly then taking a step back, glaring slightly "I tried my best but if your just going to sit their and sulk then fine. im done" he said as he turned away then walked to the door. he stopped before opening the door, turning to give Phil one last look "I really tried Phil" he said as the tears began again. he quickly exited the room, Dan knew he couldn't stay in the flat. he had to get out. he quickly picked up his phone, keys and wallet then went out the door, slamming it behind him.

Phil stood there in the middle of the room, not bothering to move. ''He... l-left... a-alone now...'' Phil stuttered, tears filling his cold blue eyes quickly as he fell to the floor, sitting up. ''H-He h-hates me n-n-ow. He l-l-left me. I c-can't trust nobody now, s-s-o alone a-again.'' He stammered, choking on words as the tears made him finally sick and done. ''If he w-wants me gone, then I'll give him gone.'' Phil mumbled, reaching over towards his nightstand, pulling the journal and a razor close to him. Phil clicked the pen and ripped a page out, starting to write his final goodbye.

Dan stood on the other side on the front door. he hadn't moved since he'd left. he knew walking around drowning himself in his own sorrows wasn't going to help. he knew he had to go apologize to Phil. it was going to make him look like a pretty big idiot screaming at him then walking back in there like two minutes later to say sorry, but he didn't care, Phil needed him. he sighed softly then entered the flat again. he quickly made his way to Phil's room, opening the door then stepping inside "look Phil, im sorry"

Phil smiled weakly at the floor, ''Hah, yeah, sorry is going to help me stop what I've just done.'' Phil said quietly, shakily pointing out the empty bottle of anti-depressants and the razor next to him, blood dripping from the eight deep cuts that were just made on his arm. ''This is my last attempt, and I want it to work.'' Phil grinned, looking up at Dan with his blurry blue eyes.

"Phil you fucking idiot!" he shouted as he quickly got his mobile out and called for an ambulance. he told the person all the details they needed then quickly ran over to Phil. he wrapped his arms around the boy again, sobbing uncontrollably "you idiot" he repeated loudly between sobs.

''Thanks, that really helped.'' Phil faintly said, darkness taking over the skinny and pale boy, making him faint and become unconscious.

The ambulance soon arrived. they had to basically tear Dan away from Phil so they could get him onto a stretcher. everything was a blur from then on. Dan came back into reality as he found himself in the back of the ambulance, holding Phil's hand tightly. "please don't die, I love you" he whispered over and over again. when they arrived at the hospital Dan was told to wait in the waiting room while Phil went into surgery. Dan sat on the uncomfortable chair, staring down at his hands as he let his mind wonder. it was his fault. it was all his fault.


	2. Chapter 2

Phil woke up the next day, well, should we say night. His eyes slowly opened up to bright lights and white walls, the smell of strong sanitary products making his nose burn. Phil tried to speak, but his voice sounded like utter shit. Phil closed his eyes again and let out a small groan of pain, feeling all numb inside.

as soon as Phil had gotten out of surgery Dan sat by his bedside holding his hand. he had not moved since. several nurses had suggested he got something to eat or drink but he still didn't move. he just held Phil's hand tightly, staring into space muttering "it's all my fault" over and over again.

Phil fell asleep again quickly after he closed his eyes, the next time he woke up was at the same time the next day. Phil didn't open his eyes, he still felt a bit numb, ''D-D-Dan.'' Phil whispered, a whisper almost sounding like he was terrified and was crying almost.

Dan snapped out of his trance as he heard Phil's voice "Phil?" he questioned softly. he wanted to smile, but he couldn't. he just stared at his friend. he probably looked like shit but he didn't care at all.

''I-I-I f-f-eel n-nu-mb.'' He stuttered, his voice all croaky and aching sounding, not even normal sounding at all.

"What kind of numb?" he asked flatly. his voice completely lacked any emotion.

''L-Like a, b-body numb type.'' Phil quietly said, not sure how to describe it really. The cold blue eyes opened up slowly, keeping a stare fixed on the ceiling.

"it's probably...just the...medication...you'll be...fine" Dan said swaying slightly. he suddenly felt dizzy and he really didn't like it.

''Dan? A-Are you okay?" Phil asked tenderly, glancing over to his side to see Dan moving slightly side to side.

"I'm...fine" he said quietly, struggling to keep his eyes open "I...I just..." he slumped forward suddenly, his head falling onto the bed as his eyes closed.

Phil let out a loud yelp as he saw Dan just, laying there. Phil started to have an panic attack, he didn't know what to do. ''Dan, Dan, Dan please!" Phil yelped, shaking violently as he tried to get Dan awake again.

Dan squeezed Phil's hand making a small sound of content. he had simply fallen asleep. he snored slightly as he smiled in his sleep. he had been with Phil for so long he hadn't been paying attention to himself at all.

Phil sighed loudly as he realized Dan had fallen asleep. 'Well, that was stupid.' Phil thought, rolling his eyes at himself and looking around quietly.

Dan began to mumble in his sleep. his smile disappeared as he whimpered softly "it's...my fault...im sorry..." he whispered as he whimpered again.

Phil looked down at Dan quietly, ''It's not, it's my father's fault for making me like this, depressed and scared all of the time, you did nothing wrong Dan.'' Phil quietly talked back, trying to move his arms, but getting a strong pain back instead.

Dan squeezed Phil's hand tightly, clutching onto it. tears began to slip down his cheeks through his closed eyes. "no...no...im sorry...I love you" he continued to whimper.

''No, you don't. Nobody does.'' Phil said, seeing a nurse walk into the bright room.

The nurse looked at Dan with a confused look, then looked at Phil. she shrugged lightly then smiled at the dark haired boy "How do you feel Phil?"

'Stupid and horrid, the usual.' He thought before shaking his head slightly. ''Eh, I-I'm okay.'' He said, not being able to shrug made him feel weird. ''You do know this is your 17th attempt if I'm correct Phil?'' She said, taking out her notes and a pen.

Dan woke up with a start, sitting up quickly looking at Phil with tears in his eyes "im sorry" he said quickly, obviously still in his dream state. "im sorry, im sorry, im sorry" he repeated, biting his lip hard until he drew blood.

Phil got startled with the wake of Dan, he gasped and clamped his hands over his mouth. Phil kept hearing Dan repeat himself that he was sorry, and that just made him break a small bit. "No, Dan, STOP IT!" Phil yelped, placing his shaking hands over his ears and closing his eyes, his head down.

Dan snapped back to reality as he heard Phil shout. "Phil...what just..." he slowly reached out his hands to attempt to get Phil's hands of his ears. he firmly took a hold of Phil's hands and pulled them away gently "I...Phil..." he tried to speak, but he couldn't. he could blame it on his lack of sleep but he knew deep down the trauma of seeing his best friend like this had caused his mind to fail on him.

Phil shook his head and looked away from Dan. "Um, Phil, I want to speak to your friend for a few minutes please.'' The nurse asked quietly, looking at the brunette.

Dan nodded then squeezed Phil's hands tightly "I'll be back soon, I promise" Dan smiled softly then stood up "I love you, I really do" he said quietly then followed the nurse out of the room. What was she going to say?


	3. Chapter 3

Dan bit his lip nervously as he was led into a small, white room. The nurse motioned for him to have a seat then sat across from him. "now before we continue, what exactly is your relationship with Mr Lester?" she asked softly. Dan sighed softly as he replayed that haunting argument with Phil through his head again. He had told Phil that he loved him, had he been rejected?. He really didn't know. It was obvious Phil was not thinking normally in his current state. Dan blinked a few times, realising he still hadn't answered the nurses question. "I'm his…his roommate" he said sadly.

The nurse gave him a confused look "but you just told him you loved him…didn't you" he asked quietly. He expression softened as he saw the look on Dan's face. She reached out and softly patted Dan's knee, giving him a reassuring smile. She could tell this was a complicated situation and that she probably shouldn't get involved. "Im nurse Kennedy, just so you know" she introduced herself with a happy smile.

Dan attempted to smile at her. She seemed like a lovely person, he was glad she was Phil's nurse. "so…" he asked nervously "what did you want to talk to me about?"

"well" she said gently "I'm very concerned about Phil, this is his 17th attempt. He needs to go the therapy, it's the only way he'll get better" she sighed softly "we've been trying to get him to go for years…but…he wont go on his own" she looked up at Dan hopefully "please could you try and convince him, even in his state I can see he has a strong bond with you"

Dan offered the nurse a small smile. He knew she was right, Phil did need help, that was obvious. But, the problem would be getting Phil to listen to him. He shuddered as images of his blood covered friend flashed through his mind again. "I…I'll try" he said quietly, shifting awkwardly in his seat. "can we go back to Phil now" he asked quickly

Nurse Kennedy nodded, smiling happily as she stood up. "thank you" she grinned, opening the door and walking out of the room. She then led Dan back to where Phil was.

Dan smiled softly as he walked over to Phil. He sat down in the chair and reached for Phil's hand gently. He softly ran his finger tips across the back of his friends hand "I'm back" he almost whispered.

Phil jumped slightly as he felt Dan touch his hand. "D-Dan?" he questioned quietly as he gazed at eth younger boy. His eyes looked dead, as is he were in a trance.

"Yes Phil, im here and im never going you leave you alone" he squeezed Phil's hand tighter "ever again" he added softly, smiling slightly as he stared into those once bright blue eyes.

Phil stared back at Dan with emotionless eyes. He guessed from Dan's expression that the words he had just said were supposed to be touching or mean something. He didn't feel many emotions anymore, that's why he had began to cut. He cut to feel something, anything was better than this feeling this horrible numbness. Not only physically, or mentally. He couldn't feel anything.

Dan sighed softly. "Phil…it'll get better, I promise it will" he mumbled only loud enough for Phil to hear. "I'll help you through, I swear I will"

Phil blinked a few times before frowning. "it wont" he said blankly "im broken and you cant fix me" he whispered. A single tear falling down his cheek. When had he started crying? He didn't even notice.

The nurse walked towards the boys then gently placed her hand on Dan's shoulder. "Dan, you should go home and get some sleep" he heart sunk as he saw the tears in Dan's eyes as he continued to gaze at the boy he loved. "I wouldn't worry too much about Phil. He's on so much morphine he doesn't know what he's saying" she smiled softly at him. He nodded and looked one last time into Phil's eyes. "I love you" he whispered, placing a kiss on Phil's hand before standing up and leaving the room.

"why does he keep saying that?" Phil asked out loud, staring at the door Dan had just walked out. Nurse Kennedy sat down where Dan was sitting previously. "because it's true Phil, he really does love you" she replied softly. Phil turned to look at her "but why?" those two words had caused more tears to escape Phil's eyes, he didn't know why. He didn't feel sad, angry, any other emotion to make him cry. Or did he?. Everything was still numb. Nurse Kennedy placed a her hand on his "Dan loves you Phil". he let out a soft shaky breath, smiling softly "no he doesn't, no one does. I don't disserve love"

Dan opened the door the door to their flat and stumbled inside. He felt the tears stinging his eyes again but refused to let them fall. he headed towards his room, passing Phil's still open bedroom door. He stopped then walked inside the room, standing where a small patch of blood was on the carpet. He crumbled. Falling to his knees he sobbed loudly into his hands "why…WHY PHIL!" he screamed as he curled into a ball slowly. He stayed like this for a while. The tears not stopping. He then noticed the notebook. Phil's notebook. He sat up, still sobbing softly as he quickly grabbed the book . The pages were filled with words. Love, Hate, Ugly, Scars, Useless. He sniffled as he flicked thought the pages until he got to a page with 'Goodbye' written at the top. He read the note, tears pouring down his cheeks as he brought his hands to his mouth. Attempting to muffle the sound of his sobs. "Phil…"


	4. Chapter 4

I cant do this anymore. Im sorry. I just don't want to live like this. Whenever I close my eyes I see his face. I hate him. I don't want to even think of him. You'd be laughing at my pain right now, wouldn't you dad?. It's been years since I've seen you. Im glad. I hate you. After everything you did to me, all the pain you put me through. I still cant forget your face. Your angry expression when you beat me, that hateful look in your eyes when you did that. You raped me. You remember that don't you?. I see it over and over again in my head. It drives me insane, I cant deal with this anymore. It's all your fault dad. I even hurt my best friend because of you. I'll be gone soon. Dan, Im sorry. Blame him, not yourself.

Dan read the words over and over again, he just couldn't believe Phil had kept such a huge secret all these years. He took a quick shaky breath as he gently placed the notebook down. Dan sobbed as he lay his head in his hands. What was he supposed to do?

Phil sighed softly, staring up at the white ceiling with a blank expression. How long had it been since Dan had left him alone. Three, maybe four hours? He closed his eyes, hoping he would get some sleep. Sleeping was definitely the best way to spend time in this place.

Dan held the notebook close to his chest as he walked down the long hallway which led to the ward Phil was in. he stopped outside the door, taking a deep breath. He didn't know why he had brought his friends notebook with him. The truth was that he had not put the book down after he had had an short nap he found himself lost in the beautiful poetry that Phil had written. The verses brought tears to his eyes. After reading most of the poems and stories he felt he knew a side of Phil he had never seen before. He sighed as he gently pushed the door open and walked into the room.

Phil opened his eyes, gazing to the side to see Dan walking into the room. A soft smile pulled at his lips. He wasn't alone anymore. His smile soon disappeared as he saw what Dan was holding. He sat up, staring at his friend with wide eyes now. "Dan…why do…why do you have my book?" he asked quietly. He knew he should be freaking out more over this. But he wasn't. it must be the morphine keeping him calm. He bit his lip looking into Dan's eyes. He knew he was in trouble if Dan had read his note.

Dan sat down in the chair, a sad smile on his face. "I read your note Phil" he said softly, reaching for his friends hand. "I…I'm here if you want to talk…about anything…if you want to me about…him.

Phil's eyes widened as the thoughts oh hi9s dad swamped his head. "no" he whispered as he began to shake. "don't let him hurt, please" he bagged as he clutched Dan's hand tightly.

Dan stood up quickly then sat down on the bed beside Phil. He gently wrapped his arms around his friend, pulling the dark haired boy to his chest. "I wont let him hurt you, he'll never hurt you ever again" Dan said softly as he tenderly ran his fingers through Phil's hair.

Phil leaned into Dan's touch as he gradually stopped shaking. He sighed softly, laying a hand on Dan's stomach gently. Phil buried his head into his friends chest. He felt a sort of warm, tingling sensation by his heart. What was that?. He only figured it out as he felt Dan pull him closer. It was something he hadn't felt for a long time. Happiness. "D-Dan…I feel…" he said as he began to relax against the younger boy.

Dan looked at Phil, a concerned look on his face. His expression soon softened as he noticed Phil's relaxed smile. "what do you feel Phil?" he asked gently as he moved his hand from Phil's hair to the boys cheek, softly caressing it.

"I feel…happy" Phil almost whispered as he smiled softly. He didn't know why he felt this feeling it was only Dan beside him. No, it was because Dan was beside him. He felt a few tears drip down his face. He had been so selfish, so wrapped up in his own problems to notice his best friend falling apart because of him.

Dan smiled happily as he head Phil's words, tightening the grip around the older boys shoulders. He then noticed the tears. Dan smiled a reassuring smile at Phil as he wiped the dark haired boys tears away. "don't cry, we should be, no, need to be happy" he whispered as he moved to hug Phil properly. "I love you and I wont let anyone hurt you"


	5. Chapter 5

Phil had soon been discharged from hospital, under the agreement that he attended weekly counselling sessions. Phil hadn't been too keen on the idea of counselling, but he reluctantly agreed. He sighed softly as he stared at the mind numbing pictures on the TV in their flat. What was he even doing anymore? He didn't have any purpose here, so why was he here?. Dan walked into the room and smiled at Phil. Oh yeah, that boy right there was the reason Phil was still here.

Dan made his way over to the couch where Phil was sitting. He carefully sat next to his friend, giving him another small smile. Things had started to get better, well, at least he thought they were. Phil was now talking to him regularly, he hadn't shut himself away in his room for at least the last four days. Then again. He had only been home for about that long. Phil was on anti-depressants so at least we wasn't suicidal. "how do you feel Phil?" he asked softly as he gently rested his hand on his blue eyes friends leg.

Phil snapped out of his trance as he felt Dan touch his leg. He looked at Dan quickly, his expression softening as he saw that smile. He had started to feel better when he was around Dan. Of course everything was still at the back of his mind, but he just felt so calm around his friend. He realised he still hadn't answered Dan's question yet. "I…" he trailed off, how did he feel? "im…okay" he said slowly.

Dan could tell by Phil's expression that he wasn't okay, but Dan dismissed it. He didn't want to upset Phil again. He removed his hand from his friends leg then gently wrapped his arms around the dark haired boy. He knew he couldn't comfort Phil with words so actions were always the best. "I love you" he whispered softly as he pulled his friend closer to him. He had said that a lot lately. He wasn't sure Phil even understood the true meaning of that word. He really did love Phil, more than any friend should, but Phil didn't seem to understand that.

Phil sighed softly as he leaned into Dan's embrace. He frowned slightly as he heard Dan's words. Why did his friend keep saying this to him?. Dan couldn't love him, no one did. "why do you keep saying that?" he asked quietly, pulling away just enough to look into Dan's eyes. "you shouldn't…I don't disserve love"

Dan bit his lip as he looked into those blue eyes "Phil…you do disserve love…just because-" he stopped himself before he said it, he couldn't mention Phil's dad just now. He quickly changed his sentence, hoping Phil wouldn't notice. "I know you probably don't love me back but…"

Phil saw the hurt look in Dan's eyes. He needed to stop hurting his best friend. Phil wanted nothing more than to forget about his ass of a dad, but he couldn't. that one man was the source of all his troubles. He had told Phil we would never be love, that he was useless. Phil believed him, he knew he was useless, a waste of space. So why did Dan love him?. He hugged his friend tightly as he buried his head into Dan's chest. "im sorry…" he whispered as he hugged Dan tighter "I cant…love" his voice broke as he tried his hardest to hold back a sob.

"Phil…please don't cry, it's okay" he half mumbled as he softly rubbed the dark haired boys back, in some attempt to comfort him. Dan sighed softly. He was such an idiot. "you should probably get to bed Phil…it's pretty late" he said, a hint of sadness in his voice.

Phil sniffled as he held onto Dan tighter "n-no, I don't w-want to go alone" he sobbed softly. He looked into his friends brown eyes. "please don't leave me alone…please" he almost whispered as he gave Dan a begging look.

Dan smiled at Phil as he picked the boy up in his arms. "I'll stay with you tonight" he whispered as he began walking to his room. He set Phil down on his bed then shut his bedroom door. "you'll be safe with me, I promise"

Phil smiled softly as he gazed at his friend. Dan was so nice to him. How had he never noticed how amazing his friend truly was. "I need to…er…get changed" he said quietly as he blushed softly.

Dan chuckled softly at his friend "I'll go get you some pyjamas" he added as he quickly walked to Phil's room, retrieving Phil's usual pair of pyjama bottoms. He quickly returned, handing them to Phil.

Phil took the item of clothing then looked into Dan's eyes. He couldn't get changed here, in front of his friend. That would just be kinda weird. "I'll go get changed in my room" he said softly as he stood up.

Dan's eyes widened in fear as the memory of Phil bleeding to death in that room appeared in his mind. "No!" he shouted as he grabbed Phil's arm, looking at Phil with a look a fear in his eyes.

"w-what's wrong?" he asked worriedly. Dan never shouts…well, only when he's really upset. He bit his lip softly. Had he done something to upset his friend?. He must of. He really was useless. His dad was right.

Dan let a shaky breath escape his lips. "no…I just…please don't leave my sight" he looked into Phil's eyes with a desperate look "please".

Phil didn't quite understand but he nodded anyway. "well… could you not look at me while I get changed then?" he requested as he looked at his pyjama's in his hand.

Dan took another shaky breath as he let go of Phil "sure" he said softly before turning away and heading towards his drawers where he kept his pyjama's. he selected a pair of bottoms quickly then began to get changed. when he had finished he turned around to see Phil gazing at him with a small smile on his face. Dan blushed slightly as he realised Phil was looking at him shirtless. "we should get into bed now" he said softly as he walked over to Phil.

Phil nodded as he waited for Dan to get into bed before he slowly slipped under the covers. He smiled at Dan as he felt an arm pulling him close. He really did love being held like this, it was so comforting. He snuggled up to Dan pushing himself closer against his friend. There was that feeling again. Happiness wasn't it?…or was it something else. Something Phil hadn't felt before.

Dan smiled as he felt Phil move closer to him. He wished he could do this every night. Snuggle up with the man he loved. It was amazing. He closed his eyes as he softly kissed Phil's forehead "I love you, I really do" he half mumbled.

Phil lay there in his friends arms for a while after that, just thinking. He tried to tell if Dan was a sleep yet. Phil certainly got the impression that Dan was but he didn't know. He gently brushed his lips against his friends neck "I think I might…love you too"


	6. Chapter 6

Dan sighed softly as he felt the older boy squirm in his arms. Phil had been sleeping in Dan's bed for about the last week. Dan honestly didn't want to let his friend out of his sight. He had no problem with having Phil sleeping in his arms every night. But, there was something that was worrying him. He had woken up to Phil squirming and whimpering, obviously due to some sort of nightmare several times in the past week.

"no…no…please don't" Phil mumbled as he thrashed around more violently in the arms that were holding him. "don't…don't hurt me"

Dan pulled Phil closer to him, biting his lip softly. He gently ran his fingers through his friends hair. "shh, it's okay. It's only a dream" Dan whispered softly holding Phil close. He gently laid a soft kiss on the dark haired boys forehead.

Phil whimpered softly as he stopped struggling. He slowly woke up, his eye lids fluttering open "…Dan?" he questioned sleepily.

Dan smiled as he gazed into Phil's eyes "it's okay" he repeated "I'm here, everything will be fine" he added softly.

Phil smiled back then snuggled up to his friend, burying his head in Dan's shoulder "thank you" he said quietly. "…I love you…" he whispered, tearing up slightly.

Dan stiffened as he heard the blue eyed boys words "you…you love me?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I…I do" he mumbled softly. A few tears dripped down his face as he snuggled closer to Dan. He knew Dan wouldn't hurt him, but he was still terrified. every time he told himself that he loved Dan, his dads words came into his head. "p-please don't hurt me" he whispered. Another harsh memory playing in his mind.

"I…I'll never hurt you Phil" he said softly, tightening his grip. A small frown formed on his face as he felt the tears rolling off his friends face. "Phil…what's wrong?…" he asked, softly pushing the boy away slightly so he could look into those blue eyes. "tell me…please"

Phil snapped out of his trance as he saw Dan's eyes full of concern gazing at him. "I cant…I cant tell you" he answered sadly, not really sure what else to say. He couldn't tell Dan his whole story. He couldn't tell Dan any of it. Dan would think he was weird. He would probably never talk to Phil again. Phil didn't want that. He shook his head slightly "I just cant"

"why?" he asked gently "please tell me…maybe I can help if I know what happened"

"but…Dan…you'll think I'm a freak…I shouldn't…" he stuttered, several more tears dripping down his face. He pushed himself away from Dan, adverting his eyes. "this is wrong…I shouldn't love you, he…he always told me I…"

Dan bit his lip as he gave Phil a worried look. "why would you loving me be wrong Phil? We both love each other so why?" he paused trying to think of what Phil could be meaning. Then he realised "he…your dad…he told you it was wrong…right?"

Phil looked at Dan, his eyes full of fear as he nodded slowly "he…he told me loving boys was bad, that I should like girls…" he wrapped his arms around himself. Seeking some sort of comfort. "I came out to him when I was twelve…that's…that's when the beatings started"

Dan quickly wrapped his arms around Phil again. He hated seeing his friend so broken. It took all the courage he had to speak up again. He didn't really want to make Phil more upset. But talking was supposed to help…right?. "so…" he took a deep breath "he beat you up because you were…gay?" he asked softly.

Phil nodded gently, a small sob escaping his lips. "he hated me after that. He told me I was…worthless, ugly, stupid…things like that…" he wiped his face, attempting to wipe the tears away. "he told me I didn't deserve love, from anyone…especially not…a boy"

Dan gently kissed Phil's forehead, wiping away a few more tears. "you're not any of those things" he whispered, hugging Phil closer. "you're beautiful Phil, he was...he" Dan desperately tried to think of what to say "he was lying. You can love whoever you want. Loving a boy isn't wrong."

"It's n-not?" he stuttered looking into Dan's eyes, a surprised look on his face.

"No, I love you Phil…and hopefully, even though he told you that…you can love me back" he smiled a reassuring smile at his friend "so please Phil…no matter what he said. Tell me you love me, say you love me like I love you" he asked in an almost begging tone. If Phil loved him he would be so happy. More than happy, ecstatic.

"I…" he looked down, taking a deep breath as he got all of his courage together for this. "I love you Dan, I really do…if…if it's not wrong then I don't have a reason to be ashamed, depressed, anything like that" he said barely above a whisper "I love you Dan… I really do"

Dan teared up as he grinned happily. Phil had told him he loved him. What else could Dan want?. "Phil…I love you too, I love you so much" he whispered before quickly pressing their lips together in a short sweet kiss.

Phil smiled as he gently broke the kiss. "you make me so happy Dan…" he said gently, snuggling up to his friend once again. It was true, Dan always did make him happy. He had always helped. How had Phil never realised this before?. "I love you"

"I love you too, more than you'll ever know" he answered quietly, gently resting his head atop of Phil's and closing his eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

It had been two months since that night Phil had told Dan he loved him and everything was much better. Phil had started making videos again and was almost back to how he used to be. They had came out to the fans about their relationship a month ago. of course they received a lot of hate but mostly they got millions of messages from fan girls congratulating them. This made them both feel much happier about the situation. Dan grinned happily as he as he walked into Phil's room, seeing his friend editing a video "hey" he said softly, sitting down on the bed beside him.

"hey" answered Phil as he gave Dan a small smile. He was kina glad Dan had interrupted him from editing. He was getting pretty tired of doing it and wanted a break. He honestly just wanted a big hug from Dan. He knew he could go ask Dan for one when he wanted but he was honestly still really shy about making any sort of move in their relationship.

Dan saw the distant look in Phil's eyes and quickly hugged him tightly "what you thinking about?" he asked gently, running his hands through Phil's hair. He had learned doing this always calmed his lover down.

"nothing" Phil said quietly before snuggling up to Dan. He really loved Dan's hugs, they were what were keeping him sane. Dan himself had saved Phil, he had stuck with Phil through everything that had happened. Phil honestly didn't understand why Dan stayed with him. Surely he could have a nice normal relationship with someone who wasn't as messed up as Phil. He sighed softly as he buried his head into Dan's neck.

Dan held the older boy closer to himself. He knew from the sound of that sigh Phil was thinking negative thoughts again. He was happy that Phil wasn't so depressed that he was suicidal but he just wished he had his happy Phil back. Sure Phil was happy most of the time but he did get really down. And to be honest, that scared Dan more than anything else. Seeing Phil down even just slightly terrified him.

Phil pulled away slightly, turning his attention back to his laptop. He saved the progress of the video he was editing then shut it down. He attempted to stifle a yawn but failed miserably. Phil giggled slightly as he saw the small smirk Dan was giving him "what" he asked, actually smiling for the first time in what felt like years.

Dan's smirk turned into a small smile as he gently kissed Phil's lips "you're adorable when you're tired" he almost whispered.

Phil just answered by wrapping his arms around Dan tightly "am I really?" he asked softly. He still saw himself as ugly, even though Dan told him he was beautiful he couldn't believe it. "can we have an early night…please?" he asked gently.

"of course" Dan replied hugging Phil back tightly "do you just wanna sleep in here?"

Phil just nodded slowly then picked up his laptop and placed it on the floor. He then quickly slipped under the covers, shivering slightly as he felt the cold bed sheets against his bare arms.

"you need to get changed still" Dan pointed out softly as he lightly tugged his friends sleeve. "come on, get changed" he urged pulling the covers of Phil. "I'll be back in a minute".

Phil watched as Dan got up and left to get changed. Dan finally trusted him enough to let him be on his own for large amounts of time. Phil sighed softly as he stood up and walked over to his dresser, picking up his usual bottoms he wore to bed and putting them on.

Dan re-entered his friends room a few minutes later, changed into his usual baggy bottoms he wore for bed. "you ready to sleep?" he asked Phil softly. He smiled as he saw Phil nod them climb into bed. Dan did the same, instantly cuddling up to Phil "hey…I love you" he whispered.

Phil smiled softly, closing his eyes "I love you too". it was the truth, he didn't know what he would do without Dan. He would be a real mess, he would be…well dead. Phil sighed contently as he snuggled closer to Dan, feeling completely relaxed. He could now feel himself drifting off to sleep, hoping he'd have present dreams tonight.

The next morning Dan woke up to a lovely site. That annoying gap in the curtains was letting in a small amount of light that shone onto his beautiful boyfriends face. Dan gently caressed Phil's cheek. What had he even done to disserve such a perfect person. Phil may have thought he was useless, but to Dan he was perfection.

Phil slowly woke up as he felt something touching his cheek. He panicked for a slit second before he realized it was Dan. His eyes fluttered open as he smiled softly. "good morning" he whispered, gazing into Dan's eyes.

Dan gently kissed his lovers lips "good morning" he answered, placing another small kiss on Phil's lips. "do you wanna come shopping with me today?" he asked softly.

"sure" Phil answered. He knew he had to get out of the house at some point. His therapist had been telling him to get out of the house for weeks now. Why not obey her for once?. He knew she wanted him to go outside to get rid of the constant paranoia that he would see his dad again. But he knew that couldn't happen. They were in London now. There was no chance.

"good" Dan said with a large smile as he sat up "we'll head out at 12, okay?"

"okay" Phil answered, also sitting up, stretching slightly as he gave a small yawn. Maybe today wouldn't be too bad.

"Phil" Dan called as he pulled on his shoes "come on, we need to get going" he added. He pulled on his jacket then looked to the doorway. There was Phil. He look amazing, as always. He had decided to go with his usual checked shirt and black skinny jeans.

Phil blushed as he saw that Dan was staring at him "what?" he asked softly.

"Nothing, just that. You look beautiful Phil" Dan said softly as he walked over to Phil and gently took the older boys hand in his "come on, lets go"

Phil nodded, walking to the front door and opening it. His hand still in Dan's. he quickly shut the door behind them and locked it. Blushing shyly as an couple from another apartment looked their way.

Dan smiled happily as he entwined their fingers, making his way towards the lift. This was the first time they had been out as an official couple together. The lift had soon arrived and they stepped inside. Dan smirked slightly as he kissed Phil's lips the minutes the lifts doors closed.

Phil just blushed more "Dan" he whined quietly as he broke the kiss. He did love all the hugs and kisses he got from Dan but it was embarrassing in public.

"sorry" Dan grinned as they arrived at the bottom. He quickly basically dragged Phil out of their apartment building and towards the shops. This was going to be fun.

Before long they had visited many shops together. They normally bought their shopping online but since it was a nice day and they both needed some time outside they actually walked to the Tesco just on the outskirts of the main shopping area. They were just picking out a large box of Maltesers for Dan when they heard a squeal. Phil spun around instantly, only to realize it was a group of fan girls.

Dan smiled at the girls as they rushed over to them. He noticed they were more excited than usual, then he realized why. He was still holding Phil's hand. "you guys are like so adorable. Oh my god, can I get a picture you two. Pleaseeee?" one of the girls nearly shouted as the rest of the group nodded enthusiastically. Dan just nodded then let go of Phil's hand. He turned towards him then gently pressed his lips against the dark haired boys. The girls all squealed and took several pictures before thank them in about two octaves higher than usual.

Phil blushed a dark shade of red but smiled at the girls. They really were crazy these Phan girls, weren't they?. "do you guys…want hugs?" he asked softly, holding his arms out slightly.

"they always want hugs Phil" Dan said before the girls could get a word in. they all laughed at Dan's comment. A blonde girl who wore a checked shirt and jeans pushed to the front of her friends and looked at them both nervously "so…can I hug you then?" she asked shyly.

Phil just smiled at the girl "of course you can" he replied. She smiled back wildly as she hugged Phil tightly. After a few seconds they separated and she moved to hug Dan. All of the girls gave the two Youtubers equally tight hugs then smiled at them. The blonde one finally broke the silence that was beginning to become slightly awkward "I'm Lauren by the way" she announced. She then pointed to a girl next to her with caramel coloured hair and blue eyes. "this is my friend Tiffany, and" she added, moving her finger to point to another member of their group with long brown hair. "this is Becca, no not the obsessed stalker from Chris' video" she said with a small laugh "and this is Kasha" he finished as he pointed to a girl with short dark brown hair. "we just love you guys so much"

Dan grinned as he took in all the information "well thank you, it's nice to meet all of you" he quickly glanced at Phil then back at the girls "we have to finish doing this" he said as eh lifted up the basket he was holding. "nice meeting you" he took Phil's hand again and turned on his heals, he suddenly stopped and looked over his shoulder at the girls "try keep Tumblr under control with those pictures" he said before winking at them and walking away with Phil.

They had soon finished their shopping and were walking back to the apartment. "damnit" Dan growled as he looked at the bags in a panic. "we forgot the Maltesers!" Dan exclaimed. He looked at Phil with a mild look of panic. "I need to go back and get them. Will you be okay walking home on your own?" he asked as he looked between Tesco (that they were only across the road from) and Phil.

Phil nodded as he gave Dan a small smile "I'll be fine, go back and get your beloved Maltesers" he joked.

Dan gently kissed Phil then smiled happily "thank you, I love you" he said as he turned to make his way back to Tesco.

Phil smiled softly as he watched Dan hurry back to the shop. He then sighed as he started the walk back to their flat. Phil was honestly a little scared of walking around the dark streets but he tried to hide this from the terrifying people who walked past. He stopped to cheek his phone, smiling as he saw his background. It was a picture of him and Dan. Just seeing Dan's smiling face made him feel instantly better. He placed his phone back in his pocket.

"Phil?"

Phil froze instantly, his eyes wide with fear. That voice…no, it couldn't be. He was to scared to turn around to see if he was right. He took a deep breathe as he tried to calm himself down. He gasped loudly, as he heard the person take a few steps towards him.

"who would have guessed I would have met you here"

Phil bit his lip. He definitely knew who the voice belonged to now. He slowly turned around, keeping his eyes focused on the ground "…dad"


	8. Chapter 8

"Hello Phil" the gruff voice that belonged to his father said slyly. "how long has it been now?" he asked, moving closer.

Phil flinched as his dad came closer "Robert, stop" he managed to blurt out. He was trying to at least appear stronger than he was. But on the inside, he was terrified. "what are you doing here?" asked quietly as he took a deep breath.

Robert raised an eyebrow at his son. "I'm just visiting….why are you so scared of me boy?" he asked taking another step towards Phil with an evil glint in his eyes.

Phil gulped, finally adverting his eyes from the ground to look at the man in front of him. He began to shake as they locked eyes. He had forgotten how it felt to be looked at by those eyes. They made him scared, more than scared. Just his fathers eyes looking at him made him feel psychically sick. he was so terrified.

"answer me Phil" Robert sneered as he took a hold of Phil's wrists and pinned him to the wall beside them.

"I'm n-not scared o-of you" Phil stuttered, looking away again.

"oh Phil, you're still a weak useless little brat" he whispered in Phil's ear then moved to his sons neck. "you look just as good as I remember"

"n-no, dad, please. Don't" Phil whispered as he struggled to get out of the iron grip around his wrists. He was stuck there. He yelped softly as Robert bit his neck "please, stop" he begged, nearly in tears.

Robert just smirked at him and pushed his leg between Phil's leg. He pinned Phil completely against the wall with his body. "shut up you little faggot. I know you like it" he whispered as he pressed his lips against Phil's.

Phil's eyes widened as he keep his lips tightly shut together. What was he supposed to do?. He couldn't let his dad do this again. He made a few panicked mumbled noises as he felt a hand running up his thigh "n-no" he managed to murmur.

Robert growled as him and pulled away from the forced kiss. "what the fuck is your problem?" he asked as he glared at Phil angrily. "haven't you learned by now? I'm in charge, you do as I say"

"no" Phil bit his lip as he stared into his fathers eyes "n-no you cant, I…I'll tell someone" Phil said, trying to think of anything he could say to get his dad to back off.

The older man just laughed at Phil. "tell someone? Dear boy, do you not remember what happened last time you did that?"

Phil gasped as he began to shake in fear. Another horrible flashback playing in his mind. "n-no…please don't" he stuttered beginning to cry "I'm sorry…."

"that's a good boy now" Robert purred, pressing their bodies closer. "you don't like this do you? You never did like being pinned down. Always more responsive at other times"

Phil bit his lip as he felt his father back off slightly. He needed to try run now. He didn't want to get hurt. He couldn't handle this. Not now. Phil quickly kneed the man in front of him in the stomach.

"ugh, you fucking bitch" Robert growled as he doubled over. Phil gave him several more hits until his dad was on the ground. Phil ran as quickly as he could. Not caring what direction he went in. he just needed to get away.

Dan hummed happily to himself as he began walking back to the apartment again. Tesco had suddenly become very busy when he had went back to get his Maltesers. That didn't matter now though. He had his beloved chocolate and was on the way home to his beautiful boyfriend.

Phil kept running and running, not taking in anything around him. Not even thinking. He suddenly ran into someone with such force that he made them both fall to the ground "s-sorry" he stuttered, staying where he had fallen.

Dan blinked a few times before realising it was Phil who had bumped into him "Phil?" he asked softly. "what are you doing back here? I thought you were going straight home"

Phil took one look at Dan before his face crumbled and the tears began to pour down his cheeks "Dan…no…we can't be out here"

Dan quickly wrapped his arms around Phil, holding him close. He was worried now. What had Phil seen to make him like this? "Phil what's wrong" he asked, gently running a hand through his lovers hair.

Phil sobbed into his shoulder loudly before finally begin able to speak several minutes later. "I s-saw him…he's here" he sobbed as he looked at Dan with fear filled eyes.

"who?…" Dan asked. Then it clicked. "wait, you're dad? He's here?" he asked a little more urgently.

Phil just nodded as he began to shake again "we need to get home…now…please" he begged.

"Phil, what did he-"

"No!" Phil almost shouted as he tore away from Dan and stood up. "we need to get home now, you don't understand"

Dan just nodded and stood up. Picking up the shopping bags then taking Phil's hand tightly in his.

They had soon arrived back home, luckily taking a different route and not seeing him anywhere. As soon as Phil got in he locked the door behind them and looked around frightened.

Dan quickly placed down the shopping bags and hugged Phil tightly "it's okay Phil, I've got you now. He can't hurt you" he whispered as he rubbed the older boys back softly. Dan bit his lip lightly "Phil….are you ready to tell me what happened?"

"I…I saw him and….he…he tried to" Phil began to sob again, tightly clutching the back of Dan's shirt. "b-but…that's not the worse bit" he stuttered.

Dan nodded slowly, hugging Phil closer to him. "okay…what's the worst bit?" he asked gently.

"He…he's going to hurt you, I know he is" Phil sobbed loudly "h-he hurt…he"

Dan sighed softly. He gently kissed Phil's lips in an attempt to calm his lover down. He gently wiped the older boys tears away. "Phil…shh. Why would he hurt me?"

Phil sighed softly, sniffling slightly. "A long time ago…I told someone else what he had done to me. His name was Ian, he was my best friend. He tried to protect me but…"

Dan frowned. What was Phil trying to tell him? "what, what did he do?". he looked into Phil's eyes. "please tell me"

"…Dad killed him…"


	9. Chapter 9

"It happened when I was fifteen. I was being bullied at school…everybody hated me, then, there was this one guy who stood out from the rest. That was Ian. He had stood up for me against the usual bullies and we became friends pretty quickly after that. But then everything changed. I couldn't take everything going on at home with dad so… I turned up on Ian's doorstep in the middle of the night. Of course he let me stay, trying to ask me what was wrong. That's when… I broke down completely, crying in his arms for what seemed like hours, the whole time he just held me and tried to comfort me. It felt amazing to have someone who cared. Eventually I told him everything. I told him about how dad…raped me after I came out to him. I told him about everything that man did to me, how much he hurt me. Ian was so supportive, just listening and hugging me tighter as I began to cry again. He was an amazing friend, always comforting me when I was upset, but of course, dad had to find out about me having a friend. He told me to invite Ian round to the house, I was too scared to deify him, so I did. Ian arrived and everything was normal, almost pleasant until dad started his sick little games. He slapped me hard for no reason, smirking as he looked at Ian, hoping to get a reaction. Of course he did, Ian almost immediately stepped between as shouted at him, telling him how much of a terrible father he was. Dad only found this funny and laughed before grabbing Ian and holding him like a hostage, still wearing that filthy horrible smirk on his face. Say goodbye to your friend, he said, pulling a knife out of his pocket and placing it against Ian's neck. I…I tried to stop him but…it was too late. My only friend, the only person I cared about in the world was lying in a pool of his own blood beside me. That's when I realized…I just…I could never love someone again. They'll always get hurt…"

Dan stared past Phil's shoulder at the wall with wide eyes. His father really was a monster. "Phil" he whispered softly, pulling away from the hug just enough to look into the older boys eyes. He bit his lip, not exactly sure what to say. What was he supposed to say? Phil had just told him that he was pretty much in danger of being murdered by a complete psychopath.

"I'm sorry"

Phil adverted his eyes, looking at the ground as he spoke.

"we…we shouldn't be together, he'll hurt you or…or worse. I don't want him too" Phil mumbled, tears stinging his eyes as he kept his head down. He really did have strong feelings towards Dan. He loved him, but, he couldn't let Dan get hurt because he was too selfish to let go "just leave me, please. I don't care if he kills me as long as he doesn't hurt you"

Dan bit his lips harshly as he tightened his grip around Phil. "Phil, no, I won't let him hurt either us" he stated as he looked into the dark haired boys eyes again. "I promise, okay?. You don't need to be away from me to keep anyone safe"

"but I-"

"I'll protect you, okay?"

Phil sniffled softly as he teared up. "But I don't want him too…"

Dan sighed softly

He gently placed a small kiss on Phil's lips then smiled gently.

"It'll be fine"

Dan reassured him. He was trying to reassure himself more than Phil honestly

Honestly he was scared

Terrified

Terrified of what that man would do to himself and Phil if he found them.

"Everything will be fine"


End file.
